Tag: communication

… neither listened… nor…???

The phrase jumped off the page as I was reading.

“They neither listened nor obeyed.”

It was in reference to the Israelites back in the 8th century BC. The nation had split in two several hundred years earlier. Both the northern and the southern kingdoms were governed by a series of kings, most of whom were jerks. Over and over again God gave them wake up calls to try to get their attention. To try to get them to listen to Him and to keep their part of the bargain (a covenant) they had made with God. They openly defied the clear instructions He had given them, which would’ve ensured that they lived peacefully and productively in the new land they were inhabiting. They were stubborn, defiant, willful. They dishonored and disregarded everything that God had made holy.

Finally, enough was enough!

And so God sent Shalmaneser, the King of Assyria, to carry the northern kingdom into exile. Why?

“... because they did not obey the voice of the Lord their God… they neither listened nor obeyed.”

2 Kings 18:12

It’s bad enough not to obey God… to do what He has told you to do. But to not even listen… that inhibits any awareness of learning what’s on His heart, of even wanting to do so. It cuts off any chance of clearing up misunderstandings. Of being open to considering the possibility that I may be wrong. That my perspective/assessment of a situation is skewed. Of acknowledging wrongs and being forgiven.

I do it, though. Unfortunately. I have “selective listening” — choosing what I want to hear and blocking out the rest. And this doesn’t only refer to God, but also to other people — like my husband! He admits that he is also guilty of “selective hearing” and shares how, early in our marriage, he would sometimes feign listening to me while sneaking peeks at a chess magazine in his lap. Needless to say, that didn’t go over very well! And working on our communication skills has been an on-going theme in our marriage.

Sometimes I don’t hear well because my ears are literally blocked. Sounds become muffled due to a build-up of earwax. Getting rid of stubbornly embedded wax requires the intervention of a skillful physician. And it can be painful.

God is that skillful physician in my life. Rooting out whatever is blocking my ability to hear Him. Applying pressure when necessary. Rinsing, so to speak, with warm water, flushing out whatever tenaciously clings to me.

It’s a poor commentary on the Israelites when they are labeled as “neither listening nor obeying.” And it’s a poor commentary on me as well.

Lord, open my ears that I may hear Your voice — all of what You say and not what I pick and choose. And enable me to obey — wholeheartedly. Unreservedly. Without questions asked. I dishonor You when I pick and choose my way through life. Forgive me. So many voices are vying for my attention these days. Help me to intentionally block them out so that I hear Your voice above all others.

And that, my friends, will help me — and hopefully you — to have joy in the journey of this thing called “Life”!

Lost in translation

photo credit: author’s phone screenshot

Telemarketers. Nobody’s favorites. But I must admit that the voicemail transcriptions of messages we get here in Thailand are definitely amusing! And, as the above attests, some things definitely get lost in translation!

As I was talking with my husband this morning, his bewildered look made me realize something in our communication had been lost in translation — even though we speak the same language!

More often than I would like to admit, I have a tendency to jump into a conversation sharing details or comments without first saying what I’m referring to. It’s clear in my mind what I’m talking about, but my poor husband — and others — aren’t able to track with me because I’ve forgotten to mention the introductory comments, so to speak. I may be looking at my laptop, commenting on something I’ve just read — without first saying what the article is about. Or looking intently at the GPS on my phone while my husband is driving — without clueing him in to what I’m seeing and why he needs to make a turn. NOW!

A couple of things I’ve been learning over the past years is that NO one is a mind reader. And NO one is able to accurately discern what is going on in someone else’s heart or mind.

That’s why two-way communication is crucial. Otherwise, things get lost in translation… or, said another way, one’s intended meaning often gets misconstrued as we translate what was said through the grid of our own experiences.

Learning that my husband can’t read my mind has been a game-changer for us. We’ve been married a LONG time, and he does a pretty good job of picking up on things, of “reading” me — and I him. And yet there is always the possibility that one of us has misread the situation. That we fill in the blanks from our own experiences. That we draw wrong conclusions from our limited input, not knowing all the facts. We mistranslate what we’re seeing or hearing. Something gets lost in translation. And someone ends up being misunderstood. Confused. Frustrated.

This also happens among friends. One person says something, and the other thinks they know what their friend is talking about and jumps in with their opinion or advice or whatever. Those conclusions may be totally incorrect, and within minutes a misunderstanding is brewing. Sometimes an argument ensues. One person often shuts down and doesn’t say anything else. And usually, both parties leave the conversation feeling they weren’t listened to or understood. Barriers are built, and if not resolved, grudges form. Grudges that, if left unchecked, can last for decades.

All because of a breakdown in communication.

A few years ago this happened to me. A good friend made a comment that caught me totally off guard. A comment that was made on a false assumption. I was stunned. Confused. It was like being stabbed in the back — except it was said to my face. Instead of withdrawing, which would’ve probably killed our friendship, I confronted her. I asked her if what she was saying was in line with what she knew of my character. I asked if she were open to hearing things from my perspective. And I also told her how much what she said hurt.

Thankfully, we talked things through and resolved the misunderstanding. And our friendship remained intact.

This made me wonder, though…

  • How often do I say or do something without first thinking through what I want to say?
  • Do I jump to conclusions before hearing all the facts?
  • Do I listen — really listen — when others are speaking? Or am I so eager to add my two cents that I only halfway hear what they are saying?
  • Am I willing to ask clarifying questions instead of barging ahead with my preconceived ideas and conclusions?
  • Do I take the initiative to clear up any misunderstandings before they morph into something that could potentially destroy a relationship?

Ugh. I’ve got to admit that I’m still learning a lot about two-way communication. Things still occasionally get lost in translation. But I’m increasingly aware of the danger of trying to read others’ minds. And I’m also realizing how, try as I might, I usually don’t have the whole picture to be able to accurately discern what is going on in someone else’s heart or mind.

The half-brother of Jesus wrote some wise words regarding communication:

Everyone should be
QUICK to listen,
SLOW to speak, and
SLOW to become angry…

Or… said another way…

Be a careful, thoughtful, listener,
a speaker of carefully chosen words,
patient, reflective, forgiving…

from the New Testament book of James, chapter 1 verse 19

Yep. I still have a LONG way to go in consistently putting this into practice! But hopefully, as we — you and I, dear reader — do this, we can have increasing joy in the journey of this thing called “Life!”