Tag: cross-cultural adjustment

Fare thee well…

photo credit: http://www.postermywall.com

Well, we made it. My husband and I have been back in our home country a week now. Moving from the tropics to a wintry climate, exchanging flip flops and shorts for multiple layers and yet still being cold… it’s an adjustment to be sure! A crackling fire on the TV screen gives the illusion of warmth and coziness. But hey, I’ll do anything I can to fool my body into thinking I’m warm!

The past two months have been a whirlwind of goodbyes, closing out bank and internet and phone accounts, selling our car, rehoming most of our possessions so that we could travel with only four suitcases (three of the four being overweight, but thankfully the airlines were gracious!), scurrying to be all done with packing and moving so that we could have our “boat days….”

When I took time a couple of days ago to reflect on all that has transpired, I realized that our current physical tiredness is partly due to jet lag — after all, there’s a twelve-hour time difference from where we lived to where we now are! But probably more of the exhaustion comes from fatigue. Decision-fatigue. Moving-fatigue. Goodbye-fatigue.

In other words, emotionally draining stuff.

Back in August I wrote about the importance of building a R.A.F.T. (see link below) The acronym refers to key elements to leaving a place well so that one can enter the next place well.

  • R = Reconciliation: making sure relationships are right.
  • A = Affirmation: acknowledging what others have said or done to encourage us, to help make our stay here meaningful.
  • F = Farewells: saying goodbye to people, places, possessions… AND allowing others to “farewell” you.
  • T = Think destination: thinking about what happens next.

My husband, who is an introvert and behind-the-scenes type of guy, wasn’t so sure about the farewell stuff. I didn’t nag or pressure him — really! He saw that it was important to me, and so acquiesced. Two events in particular ended up being a huge encouragement to both of us… and helped us to see the value of being “farewelled.” Those events provided a sense of closure to a major chapter in our lives. They helped us to say goodbye. To prepare mentally and emotionally for this next chapter. To leave well.

This made me wonder… are there any farewells in the Bible??? What, if any, similarities do they have with what we’ve experienced? What can I learn from their example?

When Moses was nearing the end of his life, his parting words to his protege Joshua were…

Be strong and courageous.

Do not fear or be in dread of [the people of the land he was going to conquer],

for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.

He will not leave you or forsake you.

— Deuteronomy 31: 6

When King David’s time to die drew near, he said to his son Solomon…

Be strong….

keep the charge of the Lord your God, walking in His ways and keeping His statutes, His commandments. His rules, His testimonies…

— I Kings 2: 2-3

After Jesus’ death and resurrection, He appeared to His disciples before ascending into heaven and said to them…

All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.

Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.

And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.

— Matthew 28: 18-20

These farewells included…

  • encouragement to be strong… to be courageous
  • encouragement to not be afraid
  • a reminder that God would be with them… they wouldn’t be alone… He would never leave them or forsake them… He would be with them forever
  • instructions on how to live life according to God’s plans and ways

Yep. Farewells are important. They’re an integral part of life. They help us as we move from one country to another; from one job situation to another; from one season of life to another. From the familiar to the unknown.

We’re not sure what this new chapter of life will look like for us… but we ARE sure that we are not going it alone. That God is with us and will be guiding us. That He’s rooting for us and encouraging us to be strong, to be courageous, to not be afraid.

We’re ever so grateful that we have His Word — the Bible — to instruct us on how to live life according to His plans and ways. And that, dear friends, is how we’ll have joy in the journey of this thing called “Life!”

It’s time to build a R.A.F.T.

Boat days…

 Photo from an exhibit at Mystic Seaport.

In bygone days — before travel by airplane became the norm — moving from one part of the world to another was done by ship. These journeys took weeks or even months. Not like the fast-paced travel we’re so accustomed to these days. Such a journey was fraught with numerous challenges, especially if one was prone to sea-sickness.

And yet there was a significant advantage that our modern era misses out on, namely the advantage of time. Time to adjust to no longer being in familiar surroundings. Time to reflect on the past and look forward to the future. Time to process the myriad of emotions that accompany goodbyes, moving, facing an unknown future. Time to rest. Time to prepare mentally for the next chapter of life.

My husband and I are currently having what a friend described as our boat days.

We intentionally moved out of our home ten days prior to our departure (by plane — not by boat!) to our home country. We did this so that we would have time… Time to begin the adjustment process of leaving what has become familiar to re-engaging with what was once known but now different. Time to reflect on the past years — 46+ since we first left our home country — and contemplate what the future may look like. Time to process SO very many emotions as we’ve been saying goodbye to dear friends, to familiar places, to life and a lifestyle that will be redefined soon. Time to catch our breath and get much needed rest. Time to take long walks and talk about what has been and what will possibly be.

Yes, our boat days have been much-needed. A definite blessing.

And yet it struck me earlier today that in a sense we’re now homeless. Some of our belongings have already preceded us to our home country; others (four suitcases full — and I mean FULL!) will accompany us when we fly out next week. We don’t yet have a permanent home. That’s one of the things we’ll be figuring out in the coming year. So we’re in this crazy in-between time of no longer calling here “home,” not having a “home” to move into, not being sure where “home” is.

A recent song I’ve been listening to has been a balm to my soul during this time.

In His presence I’m home again.
My soul finds rest.
My soul finds friend.

In His Presence: Be Still and Know by Praise & Bars

In His presence I’m home again.

In God’s presence… I’m already home! And so where I am geographically, whether or not I’m in a house or apartment or camping in the wilds, whether or not I feel or am homeless… I’m actually already home! And because God never changes, will never give up on or forsake me, and is always faithful and looking out for my good I can rest in knowing that all will be well. All IS well.

And that, dear friends, is how I intend to continue having joy in the journey of this thing called “Life!”

Empty shoes…

They were the first thing I saw when we returned to my parents’ home from the hospital. Returned home from sitting vigil with my dad the final hours before his death. Returned home to an eerie emptiness that sucked the life out of me.

Daddy’s empty shoes.

I remember the surreal feeling in the hospital parking lot with my mom, brother, and sister. We had said our final goodbyes. Signed all the necessary papers. Zombie-like, we walked in silence to the car.

I remember feeling like the world as I had known it had ceased. There was a disconnect when seeing others laughing, smiling, continuing on with life as though nothing had happened. Nothing earth-shattering HAD happened in their worlds, but in mine… April 25th would never again be “just another day.” It would forever be the day my Daddy died.

That was over twenty years ago, and yet recently I’ve been grappling with similar emotions.

We’ve been counting down from 100 days until our departure from Thailand. Forty-two days until we leave this place that has been home for almost eleven years. Forty-two days before moving to our home country. Forty-two days until we are no longer “expats living abroad,” which has been part of our identity since 1979.

We’re in that surreal in-between time of disengaging from life here before re-engaging in another country, our “home” country. It’s strange to be with friends as they talk about plans for the upcoming Christmas season — realizing we won’t be here to go to the Christmas markets (always a great place to find unique, homemade gifts), watch the play a local theater group puts on each year, attend our church’s Christmas breakfast and service, take in a special holiday concert. It’s strange to realize we will no longer be a part of normal life here.

Yep. Life goes on.

Without us.

This is, of course, natural. OK. It happens! But just like my dad’s death, the finality associated with any kind of change means loss. And loss necessitates that it be acknowledged. And grieved.

I’ve been spending quite a bit of time lately reading and meditating on Psalm 121. Six times in this short psalm the word “keeps/keeper” is used:

… He who keeps you will not slumber.

…. He who keeps Israel with neither slumber nor sleep.

… The Lord is your keeper…

… The Lord will keep you from all evil;

… He will keep your life.

… The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.

When something is repeated frequently it makes me wonder why. What’s the significance of the word “keeper/keeps”?

“Keep,” in this context, comes from the Hebrew “shamar.” It has the idea of guarding, watching over, attending to carefully.

What an encouragement to me at this stage of our journey to be reminded that my God is guarding me, watching over me, attending carefully to me. He never gets tired. He never sleeps. He’s ever attentive and wants to protect me. He knows my comings and goings — both here and elsewhere. He is with me in ALL of the uncertainties, the changes, the challenges I face.

As I’ve been doing the “100-day countdown,” I’ve been listing things I’m going to miss living here in the tropics and things I’m looking forward to as we move to our home country (see blog post below where I first shared this idea). What’s been happening lately is that several things in the “miss” column have had their flip-side in the “looking forward to” column. For example, missing routine is paired with looking forward to reestablishing routine; missing familiarity with looking forward to eventually having things be familiar again — with an emphasis on the word eventually!

In the midst of change and the disconnect we’re now experiencing, I’m grateful that my husband and I are focusing on and clinging to the One who is the keeper of our souls. Some days my husband does better than I… other days I’m reminding him… but together we’re choosing to have joy in the journey of this thing called “Life!” A journey that has ups and downs, to be sure. But a journey in which God will continue to guard, watch over, and attend carefully to our steps.

It’s time to build a R.A.F.T.

It’s time to build a R.A.F.T.

It’s rainy season here in the tropics. We sometimes joke with friends that it’s time to build an ark — like Noah did centuries ago when the whole world flooded. Thankfully, we live on the fifth floor of our building. Thankfully, we also live a good distance from a river that does, unfortunately, overflow its banks somewhat regularly.

But my husband and I are needing to build a R.A.F.T.

A raft is usually a temporary structure. Not something built to last forever, but something to cling to in the midst of stormy seas. Often rudderless, it’s at the mercy of the elements. It gets one from Point A to Point B — not as swiftly as something more sea-worthy nor as quickly — but it still accomplishes its purpose and “lands” one on another shore.

The late David C. Pollack (see below) developed a tool to help people like us who are in the midst of transition. He came up with an acronym that we’ve used in past moves… and are needing to use once again.

R = Reconciliation

Reconciliation means to reconcile with people. To make relationships right. Sometimes we think that if we just put distance between ourselves and whatever person or problem we struggle with everything will somehow be better once we relocate. BUT… those unresolved issues move with us. Broken relationships don’t just magically disappear. Reconciliation includes needing to forgive others and to be forgiven. A LOT of factors play into this, but at least as far as it depends on me personally, I need to intentionally do what I can to make sure I leave with no relational “stuff” hanging over my head.

A = Affirmation

Affirmation is another way to say “show appreciation.” Acknowledging what others have said or done to encourage us, to help make our stay here meaningful is a win-win situation. Too frequently, words of appreciation aren’t verbalized until it’s too late for the intended person to recognize the role they played in making a difference in our lives — think of eulogies at funerals. But by being intentional in communicating our appreciation, our thanks we validate the other’s impact and let them know how much they meant to us. This can be done either verbally (in-person) or by writing a note — and the more specific the better!

F = Farewells

Farewells… goodbyes are never fun. In fact, I really dislike them (see below for a blog written two years ago). Saying goodbye includes two crucial parts. The first is saying goodbye to people, places, possessions. If at all possible, revisit places that hold special memories. Be sure to schedule time with friends. If you are needing to downsize and get rid of possessions, take pictures of your favorites, and then”gift” them to friends so that you can visualize them still being enjoyed.

The second key part is to allow others to “farewell” you. This often feels quite awkward — after all, not many people enjoy being the center of attention! And yet this is important as much for those who will be remaining behind as for those leaving. It helps to give both parties closure.

T = Think destination

One of the most difficult parts about leaving a place is that one is, of necessity, simultaneously thinking through a gazillion details regarding the move AND thinking about what happens next. It’s like having one foot firmly planted in your current location — where everything is known, familiar, comfortable — while the other foot is firmly planted… in mid-air!?! Where are we going to settle? How will it be different from where we currently live? How will it be the same? What kind of community/support system will we have there?

A good friend, who has gone through several major moves with her family, suggested that my husband and I do a “100-day countdown.” The idea is that each day — for 100 days before we leave — we write down

  • One thing we are going to miss about living here.
  • One thing we are looking forward to when we move to our next destination.

Good advice! Especially since it will help us focus on the positives.

Yes, we’re starting to build a R.A.F.T. We recognize that we’re in this strange in-between time of disengaging from here before re-engaging elsewhere. There undoubtedly will be stormy seas as we move from Point A to Point B , but our “raft,” although temporary, is vital to enable us to leave well… so that we can enter well… so that we can live well… and have joy in the journey of this thing called “Life!”

Goodbyes… never easy

The value of routine…

Dog man. Mr. Happy. Granny. Badminton dad. No-smile jogger.

We’ve nicknamed the people we see regularly on our early morning walks. When we don’t see them, we wonder… are we earlier than normal? are they late? are they ok??

It’s the same reaction I have when we don’t hear from our kids. Or realize we haven’t seen so-and-so in their normal seat at church lately. Are they ok? sick? out of town? Did they lose their phone??

There’s something about routine that frees one’s mind — lets it go on auto-pilot, so to speak. There are numerous benefits to having routines in place. For example, when we were preparing to move overseas a “few” years ago we attended a three-month “boot camp” to help prepare us for our move. We had classes on cultural adaptation, linguistics, team building, conflict resolution, nutrition, marriage and family issues, etc. We were encouraged to build exercise into our weekly schedules. “Encouraged” is a rather mild way of stating it — it was more like a requirement! A minimum of three times a week, 20 minutes of aerobic activity each time. We checked in with our trainer at the end of each week, and if we hadn’t fulfilled the requirement we had to make up any missed sessions! Why make this such a big deal? Because physical activity is a key way to help manage/reduce stress.

Routines also help with time management. Ever since “boot camp,” when I wake up in the morning I endeavor to start the day with some form of exercise. Having that routine in place helps keep me from hemming and hawing, wondering should I or shouldn’t I exercise today? (It also helps me to wake up, which an earlier blog attests to! see link below) Have I done this consistently? Not really. More like off-and-on. When our kids were little, getting regular exercise was hit-and-miss. Now, if I’ve had a late night zoom call or have an early morning one it’s rare that my day starts with exercise.

Another routine that I’ve built into my lifestyle is having what I call my “Quiet Time,” a time set aside to read the Bible, pray, and sometimes journal. This helps to ground me. Gives stability in the midst of ever-changing circumstances and the demands of life. This routine has also morphed over the decades. When our kids were little, my daily Quiet Times sometimes felt like what I read went in one eye and out the other — with nothing connecting to my mind, let alone my heart! But the intent has always been there.

Routines, when adhered to, help us to not procrastinate. Gulp. That’s one I need help with! It’s easy for me to get distracted. To gravitate to things I enjoy doing or do well instead of choosing to do what’s necessary. My agenda — with its calendar and to do lists — helps me keep on track. Most of the time anyway!

Whenever we travel by plane we deal with jet lag. It’s a very real phenomena that results when one’s internal clock gets out of sync with where one currently is in the world. Someone once shared with us to expect to feel like a zombie one day for every time zone crossed. That meant it took our bodies about a week to readjust when we traveled from our home country to Europe when we lived there, but now — with living on the exact opposite side of the globe — it takes even longer! One thing that helps with overcoming jet lag is routine. Going to sleep at the normal time. Waking up at the normal time. And yep, exercising.

Sometimes a break in routine is beneficial– which is one reason why people go on vacation. It’s a time of NOT having to get up the same time each morning. NOT needing to think about doing laundry and responding to emails and all the stuff that fills most days. Having a break can help increase creativity. Give new perspective. Shed light on problems or other issues.

In all honesty, one of the things I’m a bit anxious about with our upcoming move to our home country is finding our new rhythms, our new routines. Redefining the sense of the familiar — like seeing Dog Man and the others on our walks. I know it will come. Eventually.

In the meantime, may we encourage one another to build some healthy routines into our lives so that together we can have joy in the journey of this thing called “Life!”

Back to realizing we haven’t seen so-and-so in their normal seat at church or not hearing from someone (like our kids)… I don’t know about you, but one thing that always lifts my spirits is when someone says, “Hey! Didn’t see you last week. Missed you!” or “Haven’t heard from you for a while. You doing ok?” Being a part of the fabric of society — and being acknowledged when absent — is another way of saying “You’ve been seen. You matter. I care.” But that’s a topic for another blog, another day.

Filling in the blanks…