Tag: grieving

Empty shoes…

They were the first thing I saw when we returned to my parents’ home from the hospital. Returned home from sitting vigil with my dad the final hours before his death. Returned home to an eerie emptiness that sucked the life out of me.

Daddy’s empty shoes.

I remember the surreal feeling in the hospital parking lot with my mom, brother, and sister. We had said our final goodbyes. Signed all the necessary papers. Zombie-like, we walked in silence to the car.

I remember feeling like the world as I had known it had ceased. There was a disconnect when seeing others laughing, smiling, continuing on with life as though nothing had happened. Nothing earth-shattering HAD happened in their worlds, but in mine… April 25th would never again be “just another day.” It would forever be the day my Daddy died.

That was over twenty years ago, and yet recently I’ve been grappling with similar emotions.

We’ve been counting down from 100 days until our departure from Thailand. Forty-two days until we leave this place that has been home for almost eleven years. Forty-two days before moving to our home country. Forty-two days until we are no longer “expats living abroad,” which has been part of our identity since 1979.

We’re in that surreal in-between time of disengaging from life here before re-engaging in another country, our “home” country. It’s strange to be with friends as they talk about plans for the upcoming Christmas season — realizing we won’t be here to go to the Christmas markets (always a great place to find unique, homemade gifts), watch the play a local theater group puts on each year, attend our church’s Christmas breakfast and service, take in a special holiday concert. It’s strange to realize we will no longer be a part of normal life here.

Yep. Life goes on.

Without us.

This is, of course, natural. OK. It happens! But just like my dad’s death, the finality associated with any kind of change means loss. And loss necessitates that it be acknowledged. And grieved.

I’ve been spending quite a bit of time lately reading and meditating on Psalm 121. Six times in this short psalm the word “keeps/keeper” is used:

… He who keeps you will not slumber.

…. He who keeps Israel with neither slumber nor sleep.

… The Lord is your keeper…

… The Lord will keep you from all evil;

… He will keep your life.

… The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.

When something is repeated frequently it makes me wonder why. What’s the significance of the word “keeper/keeps”?

“Keep,” in this context, comes from the Hebrew “shamar.” It has the idea of guarding, watching over, attending to carefully.

What an encouragement to me at this stage of our journey to be reminded that my God is guarding me, watching over me, attending carefully to me. He never gets tired. He never sleeps. He’s ever attentive and wants to protect me. He knows my comings and goings — both here and elsewhere. He is with me in ALL of the uncertainties, the changes, the challenges I face.

As I’ve been doing the “100-day countdown,” I’ve been listing things I’m going to miss living here in the tropics and things I’m looking forward to as we move to our home country (see blog post below where I first shared this idea). What’s been happening lately is that several things in the “miss” column have had their flip-side in the “looking forward to” column. For example, missing routine is paired with looking forward to reestablishing routine; missing familiarity with looking forward to eventually having things be familiar again — with an emphasis on the word eventually!

In the midst of change and the disconnect we’re now experiencing, I’m grateful that my husband and I are focusing on and clinging to the One who is the keeper of our souls. Some days my husband does better than I… other days I’m reminding him… but together we’re choosing to have joy in the journey of this thing called “Life!” A journey that has ups and downs, to be sure. But a journey in which God will continue to guard, watch over, and attend carefully to our steps.

It’s time to build a R.A.F.T.

Who??? Why???

I had never even met Jonathan. A good friend of mine, a teacher at his school, sent a text message saying

Prayers are appreciated for our GIS [Grace International School] community. A student passed away last night in a motorcycle accident.

17 years old. A high school senior. The previous day, he and some buddies had driven to a nearby mountain to view the sunset. We’ve had LOTS of rain in this part of the world lately, and so being able to finally see a sunset was a big deal. One of those friends later recounted how Jonathan had remarked “how amazing God has made the world for us!” The friend went on to say, “Jonathan finds beauty in everything because he knows the Creator.”

I’m at a loss to be able to explain why I’ve been so drawn to learning about this young man. For who-knows-what-reason I watched the High School Chapel Remembrance a few days after his death. And then the Celebration of Life Service two days later.

Maybe it’s because of being a mom. No parent envisions outliving their child.

Maybe it’s because of feeling the brokenness and confusion of his classmates. No high school student envisions missing graduation because of not being alive.

Maybe it’s because of feeling that it simply wasn’t fair. Why him, God??? Why a young, godly kid who had a whole lifetime ahead of him — a whole lifetime of being able to impact the world for Christ???

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints. (NIV)

The Lord cares deeply when His loved ones die. (NLT)

When they arrive at the gates of death,
God welcomes those who love Him. (MSG)

Psalm 116: 15

Yes, those verses are true. And yes, I believe in them… and in the God whose ways are often vastly different than if I were the one in charge. And yet… listening to the Chapel and Celebration of Life services hammered home some important truths — truths that impact all of us.

Life is short.

Death is unavoidable.

We all have a choice to make.
Some have decided… and some have not.

But even indecision is still a choice.

If we choose to sit on the sidelines,
what Jonathan would want you to know
is that you need to get into the game.

Cross over from sitting on the bench
and start participating in the great mission
that God has for your life.

Jonathan loved well
because he knew the God who loves best.

Mr. T, one of the faculty/staff at GIS during the Chapel Service

“We all have a choice to make… even indecision is still a choice… you need to get into the game.“

Death is the one thing in life that everyone can count on. It affects 100% of us… and, as Jonathan’s untimely (to us, anyway) demise highlights, it is no respecter of age. Or income. Or education. Or social status. Or background.

I’m not sure who all reads my blogs… family, friends, others I’ve never met. But regardless of who we are, where we come from, what our past has been like there’s a loving God who wants to have a personal relationship with us. A relationship that can only be had on His terms, which involves His Son.

God knows the pain and anguish Jonathan’s parents have been going through because He gave His Son — His only Son — to die so that you and I can have relationship with Him. We can be forgiven of any and everything in our past. We can look forward to the future because His Son not only died, but then was raised from the dead and now lives forever! He’s not some kind of idol made from silver or gold or wood or crystal… idols that have mouths, but cannot speak; eyes, but cannot hear; noses, but cannot smell; hands, but cannot feel; feet, but cannot walk; throats that cannot utter a sound.

Dear friends — wherever you may be in your journey of knowing and embracing God through Christ — NOW is the time to “get into the game,” as Mr. T shared. NOW is the time to quit dilly-dallying about your eternal state. We have no guarantees when our lives will end… but we DO have the guarantee that once we put our faith and trust in the finished work of Christ we’ll be able to look forward to an eternity with God.

“Jonathan loved well because he knew the God who loves best.”

May we, like Jonathan, love well because of knowing the God who loves best. And may we encourage one another to seek joy in the journey of this thing called “Life!” For even in deep sorrow there can be great joy when one knows God personally.