Tag: hope

One-way ticket…

photo credit: author

The first time I bought a one-way ticket was eleven years ago. My mother had been battling cancer and was now beginning home hospice care. I bought my ticket not knowing if it would be days, weeks, or months … only knowing I wanted to be there with my siblings to help care for her. A little over five weeks later we said our final goodbyes.

The second time was a few weeks ago when I booked tickets to our home country.

Both times, booking one-way tickets announced a finality that was — and is — hard to grasp. Both underscored that saying goodbye to people, to relationships forged over a lifetime or even those newly made is fraught with a myriad of conflicting emotions. Both accentuated the end of an era. Both were inevitable.

Booking those tickets a few weeks ago was yet another reminder that change is in the wind. That a LOT of unknowns await us. And yet at the same time, God keeps giving little glimpses into how He is going to guide and provide. Glimpses that greatly encourage my heart!

Yeah. I have my ups and downs. Good days and bad. Days when I feel overwhelmed, stuck. Days when I’m critical of everything and everyone — including myself. Days when I’m so tired I can’t think straight.

But also days when I’m refreshed by spending time with friends. Days when the beauty of this place and my morning serenade by tropical birds nurtures my soul. Days when God’s Word hits home in a way that helps me regain perspective.

Journaling has been a lifeline for me since my university days. It helps me think, process what I’m going through as I try to capture in words what’s happening in my soul. It helps me understand myself better, as well as helps point me to the things I know are true, things I need to cling to. It has become increasingly important during this in-between time of transition.

We will be moving to a new country.

Not “back home.”

To a place that has a familiar feel
– that is filled with memories of bygone days
– that is peopled by folks related by blood
and by life experiences.

And so we will go as learners
– observing thru the lens of first-time vistors
– recognizing that we will undoubtedly
make mistakes as we
navigate cultural changes
– needing to embrace the awkwardness
that comes when others
don’t know how to relate to us —
and vice versa
– finding our voice, our new identity —
while simultaneously striving
to remember what GOD says
about who we are is what is most important.

A learner is
– eager
– unafraid
– has no pre-conceived ideas —
or, more accurately,
is willing to lay them aside
– sees a gap in one’s knowledge
and is intentional in accurately filling that gap
– willing to admit mistakes,
especially where unchallenged/former
ideas or perceptions are concerned
– hopeful!
– childlike in faith
to embrace unknowns
– not trying to prove anything
– someone with a freshness that is contagious,
that inspires others
– not in competition with anyone
– one who infuses worth and
value and
respect in others.

A change in perspective.
A change in focus.
But a necessary one.
Thank you, Lord!

from my journal, June 23rd

I’m not sure where we were flying from (or maybe to??) when I took the above photo, but it symbolizes hope for me. Billowy clouds cover the land — and yet all that is hidden under their cover becomes clear, visible, alive once the plane begins its descent. A rising sun peeks above the horizon announcing the start of a new day.

We’re flying above the clouds now, metaphorically, as we prepare to move to our home country later this year. What’s under the clouds is known — even though we can’t see it right now. A new day is dawning for us, which signals an exciting new chapter.

A new chapter. New beginnings. A reminder that we can continue to have joy in the journey of this thing called “Life!” no matter where we may land!

What’s robbing YOUR joy???

Dread. Sadness. Despair. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling stuck. Paralyzed.

Not a pretty picture. But a window into my soul these past days.

In a sense, it’s inevitable. To be expected. As we prepare to move back to our home country later this year, there is “stuff” we have to face. Have to work through. Add to that everything that is happening in our world these days… the overall picture isn’t very encouraging. Actually, it’s rather depressing and bleak.

And yet I’ve fallen into a dangerous trap. A trap that is robbing me of joy. Robbing me of savoring each day as the gift it’s intended to be. Robbing me of my focus. My perspective.

What I’ve subtly slipped into is focusing on

  • all my to-do lists.
  • the unknowns awaiting us.
  • deadlines.
  • expectations — mine and those of others (which often are unfounded).
  • listening to voices — real and imagined — that make me question myself. Make me question God.
  • digging up past mistakes.
  • rehearsing failures, which means not remembering victories, good things that happened.
  • what social media and the news has to say, which is a sure-fire way to get depressed!

I was sharing this malaise with my husband the other day, and he said something profound:

“God more fully understands our feelings than we do…. We need to be self-sympathetic instead of self-accusing… Despair over past mistakes is what Screwtape has on his clipboard for you, Mary.” [referencing C.S. Lewis’ book “The Screwtape Letters” that portrays Satan’s schemes to derail God’s people]

God more fully understands our feelings than we do

When the cares of my heart are many/when my anxious thoughts multiply within me/when doubts fill my mind/when I am upset and beside myself, Your [God’s] consolations/Your comforts cheer my soul/delight me/give me needed hope and cheer/calm me down and cheer me up.

Psalm 94:19 compiled from various versions

Hmm… this made me wonder… what do God’s consolations look like? How can they cheer my soul?

Reading Psalm 94 in its entirety gives some hints:

  • verses 9-11 remind us that God knows what’s going on! (“He who planted the ear, does He not hear? He who formed the eye, does He not see?”)
  • verses 17-18 remind us that God has shown His support of us already! (“If the Lord had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence. When I thought, ‘My foot slips,’ Your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up”)
  • verse 22 reminds us that God has already become our stronghold, the rock of our refuge.
  • verse 23 reminds us that someday He WILL surely judge all the injustices and wrongs in our world, in our lives.

As I ponder and focus on God’s character, the cares of my heart are reframed. In other words, what can seem overwhelming or a big deal shrinks when seen from God’s perspective. He alone sees ALL of my life. ALL of my days. My unknown (to me) future. My fears. My desires.

Yes, there are things that rob my joy — at least attempt to do so. And yet I’m endeavoring to be intentional in looking for the “consolations of God” to see how He may be working on my behalf to cheer my soul. To delight me. To give me much needed hope. To calm me.

I’ve written in my agenda — with large letters — “I choose JOY!” A visible reminder that every day, as I start each day — and numerous times throughout — I need to do whatever it takes to focus on things that won’t drag me down and rob my joy. I need to carefully choose what I listen to, what I watch, what I read. I need to limit (eliminate?) my exposure to social media and news. I need to be sensitive to others, to reach out to others — because that helps me to get my focus off me, myself, and I!

We’ll still be doing a lot of processing, a lot of grieving as we leave this place that has been home for over a decade. And disengaging here and preparing to reengage elsewhere will be fraught with a myriad of emotions… BUT…

God more fully understands our feelings than we do

… and focusing on what He says is true will be how we navigate this next season, enabling us to not get sidetracked by feelings of dread, sadness, despair; acknowledging that there will be times of feeling overwhelmed, but choosing to not dwell there; doing things that are emotionally-recharging when that stuck, paralyzed feeling kicks in. However imperfectly we do this — with some days being successful, somedays not — it will be how we’ll have joy in the journey of this thing called “Life!”

EARTHQUAKE!!!

drawing credit: lizadonnelly.substack.com

I thought I was imagining it … I was sitting at my desk in our fifth floor apartment when I started sensing that my chair was moving. My husband, only a few feet away, didn’t notice anything. But then the rocking chair started swaying, as did the trees outside. The movement intensified, as did my fears. Later, we learned the earthquake only lasted a couple of minutes. Minutes that seemed to last forever.

I frantically tried to call our two kids to tell them how much I love them — in case we were goners. Yes, I was that scared! The call didn’t go through for who knows what reason — internet signals messed up? God’s intervention so that I didn’t freak out our kids?!

We then took the stairway down to the parking area where tenants from our twin eight-story buildings had gathered. One woman was crying. Others were huddled together. All of us in shock. Our good friends from Japan — “pros” living with earthquakes — encouraged and calmed us. Gave us helpful hints on what to do if this ever happens again.

When it was deemed safe to go back in the building, we took the stairs back to our apartment. At least we had remembered when exiting and returning to our home that it would be best to avoid the elevators!

We then discovered that the quake had literally shaken some things up in our apartment. Our dresser drawers had opened. The sliding glass door on our balcony now had a gap of several inches instead of being tightly closed. Our desks had slid apart. A few books had fallen over.

Overall, however, our city fared well — especially compared to those who lived near the 7.7 magnitude epicenter (we’re 525 miles/845 km away). Oh, how we grieve with those who have lost loved ones in this tragedy. Unimaginable sorrow.

The following day I wrote in my journal:

The reality of our own mortality —
when thrust upon us in such a vivid way —
is sobering.

Intellectually, I know that my death will usher me
into the presence of the Lord —
and what could be more wonderful than that?!?

I also know that life here on earth
is only a small blip on the timeline of eternity.

But yesterday —
standing in our living room
not knowing if the three floors above us
would soon snuff out my life —

I didn’t want to see Jesus then!
I didn’t feel ready!

from my journal Saturday, March 29th

God graciously spared us. But this sobering incident has made me ask myself some questions:

  • Am I ready to meet God??? Why was I so hesitant???
  • Am I keeping short accounts regarding any sin in my life — confessing anything that is short-circuiting my relationship with God? Forgiving others? Forgiving myself?
  • Are there any relational issues I’m not dealing with/avoiding? Misunderstandings that need to be cleared up? Words that need to be spoken?
  • What about family and friends who aren’t yet believers?

I’ve also been pondering some things God says:

God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear
though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.
Psalm 46: 1-2

“Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet My unfailing love for you
will NOT be shaken
nor My covenant of peace be removed,”
says the Lord,
who has compassion on you.
Isaiah 54: 10

Have no fear of sudden disaster…
for the Lord will be at your side…
Proverbs 3:25-26

“Sudden disasters” aren’t only acts of nature, like our recent earthquake. It can be a telephone call that brings devastating news. Or walking down the street in broad daylight and being mugged. Or returning from vacation and seeing that your home, all your earthly belongings have gone up in smoke — literally. Or having your job terminated from one day to the next. Or … the list goes on and on.

All of these “sudden disasters” shake us to the core of our being. Our stability is rattled — like having the rug pulled out from under our feet. Our confidence is flagging. Our hope often turns to despair. What we believe and what we’re experiencing collide — and make us question God.

Even though we have since been assured that our building was constructed according to a strict, earthquake-withstanding code, I recognize that I need to put my hope, my confidence in something, Someone greater. Something, Someone that will withstand the storms of life.

Anyone who listens to My teaching
and follows it is
wise,
like a person who builds a house on solid rock.
Though the rain comes in torrents
and the flood waters rise
and the winds beat against that house,
it won’t collapse
because it is built on bedrock.

But anyone who hears My teaching
and doesn’t obey it is
foolish,
like a person who builds a house on sand.
When the rains and floods come
and the winds beat against that house,
it will collapse
with a mighty crash.

Jesus speaking, Matthew 7:24-26

Yes, I was scared. Yes, we survived. And yes, as a Christ-follower I’m endeavoring to learn from this experience so that I’m better prepared to face whatever “sudden disasters” may come my way down the road.

My desire is to build upon and cling to the Rock, the One I call my Lord and Savior. May I encourage you to do the same… and together, no matter what surprises come our way in this life, we’ll have joy in the journey of this thing called “Life!”

Who??? Why???

I had never even met Jonathan. A good friend of mine, a teacher at his school, sent a text message saying

Prayers are appreciated for our GIS [Grace International School] community. A student passed away last night in a motorcycle accident.

17 years old. A high school senior. The previous day, he and some buddies had driven to a nearby mountain to view the sunset. We’ve had LOTS of rain in this part of the world lately, and so being able to finally see a sunset was a big deal. One of those friends later recounted how Jonathan had remarked “how amazing God has made the world for us!” The friend went on to say, “Jonathan finds beauty in everything because he knows the Creator.”

I’m at a loss to be able to explain why I’ve been so drawn to learning about this young man. For who-knows-what-reason I watched the High School Chapel Remembrance a few days after his death. And then the Celebration of Life Service two days later.

Maybe it’s because of being a mom. No parent envisions outliving their child.

Maybe it’s because of feeling the brokenness and confusion of his classmates. No high school student envisions missing graduation because of not being alive.

Maybe it’s because of feeling that it simply wasn’t fair. Why him, God??? Why a young, godly kid who had a whole lifetime ahead of him — a whole lifetime of being able to impact the world for Christ???

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints. (NIV)

The Lord cares deeply when His loved ones die. (NLT)

When they arrive at the gates of death,
God welcomes those who love Him. (MSG)

Psalm 116: 15

Yes, those verses are true. And yes, I believe in them… and in the God whose ways are often vastly different than if I were the one in charge. And yet… listening to the Chapel and Celebration of Life services hammered home some important truths — truths that impact all of us.

Life is short.

Death is unavoidable.

We all have a choice to make.
Some have decided… and some have not.

But even indecision is still a choice.

If we choose to sit on the sidelines,
what Jonathan would want you to know
is that you need to get into the game.

Cross over from sitting on the bench
and start participating in the great mission
that God has for your life.

Jonathan loved well
because he knew the God who loves best.

Mr. T, one of the faculty/staff at GIS during the Chapel Service

“We all have a choice to make… even indecision is still a choice… you need to get into the game.“

Death is the one thing in life that everyone can count on. It affects 100% of us… and, as Jonathan’s untimely (to us, anyway) demise highlights, it is no respecter of age. Or income. Or education. Or social status. Or background.

I’m not sure who all reads my blogs… family, friends, others I’ve never met. But regardless of who we are, where we come from, what our past has been like there’s a loving God who wants to have a personal relationship with us. A relationship that can only be had on His terms, which involves His Son.

God knows the pain and anguish Jonathan’s parents have been going through because He gave His Son — His only Son — to die so that you and I can have relationship with Him. We can be forgiven of any and everything in our past. We can look forward to the future because His Son not only died, but then was raised from the dead and now lives forever! He’s not some kind of idol made from silver or gold or wood or crystal… idols that have mouths, but cannot speak; eyes, but cannot hear; noses, but cannot smell; hands, but cannot feel; feet, but cannot walk; throats that cannot utter a sound.

Dear friends — wherever you may be in your journey of knowing and embracing God through Christ — NOW is the time to “get into the game,” as Mr. T shared. NOW is the time to quit dilly-dallying about your eternal state. We have no guarantees when our lives will end… but we DO have the guarantee that once we put our faith and trust in the finished work of Christ we’ll be able to look forward to an eternity with God.

“Jonathan loved well because he knew the God who loves best.”

May we, like Jonathan, love well because of knowing the God who loves best. And may we encourage one another to seek joy in the journey of this thing called “Life!” For even in deep sorrow there can be great joy when one knows God personally.