Every now and again I need to give myself a kick in the butt. Give myself a talking to.
Today was one of those days…
My husband and I were on our morning walk, talking through ideas for a discussion he’ll be leading later this week on the topic of leadership. I commented that I’m what I’d call a “reluctant leader” — like Moses in the Old Testament of the Bible.
When God challenged Moses to be the one to lead the Israelites out of their captivity in Egypt, Moses came up with a bunch of excuses: why would anyone listen to ME? who would I tell them gave me the authority for this task? I’m slow of speech and tongue. Not an eloquent speaker. So again, who will listen??
God countered all of his objections. Even provided a spokesperson for Moses.
He just needed a kick in the butt.
My kick-in-the-butt wasn’t needed because of a hesitancy to lead a group of people out of captivity, but rather to shake me out of a slump I’ve been in lately.
This strange season we find ourselves in — this in-between time of waiting on God to clarify our next steps — has been hard. I’ve vacillated between eagerness and fear, confidence and insecurity, involvement and withdrawal, despair and hope.
Why are you in despair, discouraged, O my soul?
Psalm 42: 5,11; 43:5 (Amplified Bible)
And why have you become restless and disturbed within me?
Hope in God
and wait expectantly for Him,
for I shall again praise Him,
my salvation and my God.
I asked myself this morning:
- WHY am I in this slump?
- WHAT am I doing/not doing that is contributing to my loss of focus, loss of hope?
- WHAT can I do to get myself out of this unhealthy state of mind?
I gave myself a talking to. A kick in the butt.
I realized I’d sunk into the ole woe-is-me mentality. Missing deep friendships, but hesitant — and also a bit fearful — to cultivate new ones.
Fearful because of wondering if it’s worth the emotional effort to invest in others because we’ll probably be moving again in a few months… and then I’ll have to go through this all over again.
Fearful because it seems every time we either move or go from one life stage to another — from being single to married, from having no children to being parents, from having children living at home to being empty-nesters, from not being employed full-time to being retired — God takes me through a “stripping” process. It’s as though He were stripping away different things in my life to help me see who I’m really trusting in. What my identity really is.
I also realized that in trying to protect my heart from getting to know and be involved with others I was actually shooting myself in the foot. Why? Because God made me — ALL of us!! — a relational creature. I not only need others in my life, but also others need me! When I’m in this woe-is-me state I find that hard to believe, and yet this is when I need to remind myself of the things GOD says are true about me. That I have value and worth not because of anything I say or do, but because of who HE is! That He loves me, accepts me, puts up with me. That He wired me in a way that I’m able to bring something to others that maybe they lack — and vice versa.
So… what am I going to do, now that I’ve given myself a kick in the butt???
I’m going to start meeting with a group of women to study the Bible. A good place to be reminded of what’s true when my perspective gets out of whack. But also a place to get to know others.
I have some phone calls scheduled with longtime friends, which is always a boost.
I also want to be more intentional with blogging, as this is such a life-giving “exercise” for me. It helps me figure out what’s going on in my head and in my heart.
That’s a start. I’m guessing some more things will surface that will help with this in-between time my husband and I are in. But ultimately, with the psalmist I remind myself to “Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.”
And that, my friends, is how I’ll have joy in the journey of this thing called “Life!”
